Afraid of Everyone

I acted on it.

I need a change and hope a gradual one will to the trick, that I don't have to jump out of this life and start a whole new one.

I started a new hobby, which probably does not seem anything big, but is very much so. Starting something from the beginning is not easy for a control freak like me. It is so hard to accept that learning is a process which includes mistakes and in this case wrong positions, steps, hits, kicks and so on.

Doing something I am not good at makes me feel so vulnerable, and I hate that feeling. And it is not as if I don't feel vulnerable in my normal everyday life already. At least in this new hobby of mine I can see the hits coming at me, predict them on others behavior.

I would give so much to be able to dodge the bullet in real life too. But it's too late this time. I hope I heal. I know it won't be as fast as the bruising from last nights training, but a year, five, ten years?

Please, I want to get over it!

Anyone's Ghost

I should start something new, and fast. This old thing is just not doing it for me anymore. I'm in such a crisis, like never before. Still, I can't really point out the problem. From outside everything is perfect. I have a good job and people are very happy with my performance. I make enough money. I'm finally healthy. I have lots of nice friends around me, old and new. My family loves me. (The list goes from less important to more important, so that you don't think my priorities are the problem...)

I'm stressed out and never have enough time to see friends or just relax. That is nothing new, and I doubt that is the thing that is wearing me out.

Something is. Badly.

And it is not as if he is helping...