Afraid of Everyone

I acted on it.

I need a change and hope a gradual one will to the trick, that I don't have to jump out of this life and start a whole new one.

I started a new hobby, which probably does not seem anything big, but is very much so. Starting something from the beginning is not easy for a control freak like me. It is so hard to accept that learning is a process which includes mistakes and in this case wrong positions, steps, hits, kicks and so on.

Doing something I am not good at makes me feel so vulnerable, and I hate that feeling. And it is not as if I don't feel vulnerable in my normal everyday life already. At least in this new hobby of mine I can see the hits coming at me, predict them on others behavior.

I would give so much to be able to dodge the bullet in real life too. But it's too late this time. I hope I heal. I know it won't be as fast as the bruising from last nights training, but a year, five, ten years?

Please, I want to get over it!

Anyone's Ghost

I should start something new, and fast. This old thing is just not doing it for me anymore. I'm in such a crisis, like never before. Still, I can't really point out the problem. From outside everything is perfect. I have a good job and people are very happy with my performance. I make enough money. I'm finally healthy. I have lots of nice friends around me, old and new. My family loves me. (The list goes from less important to more important, so that you don't think my priorities are the problem...)

I'm stressed out and never have enough time to see friends or just relax. That is nothing new, and I doubt that is the thing that is wearing me out.

Something is. Badly.

And it is not as if he is helping...

.. but she made her bed, even if the change was slim...

Just spent some of my precious time reading my old posts. It is a disgrace how little I have changed since. I am at the office on Sunday trying to write despite being tired as hell. I am in the same situation with my Doctoral thesis as I was with my master's thesis back in the 2007. I bet I'm writing my other doctoral thesis in 2014. I never ever learn, do I?

Someone should come here to the office and just shoot me of my misery! Or something.

Better than love

After a long period of bad news and fighting against something/everything I am starting achieve/receive. Regarding good news, this must one of the best weeks ever. Firstly, I got funding for another two years and for going abroad to the grand U.S.A. Secondly, the exchange in my dream school is going forward on a level I never imagined possible. It is actually more likely to happen than not happen. I can't believe it! Also, two new lives were born this week. I haven't seen them, but they are already in my life and in my heart. Oh, love!

The pain I wrote about at the beginning of this year is still here, but according to the doctor, it's going away , it's leaving me and letting me live/move.

How I wish my heart would heal too, but I have lost hope. I know it's me, and it will always be that way. It's not about finding the one, it's about being born again, starting from the beginning and we all know that's not possible. We have the baggage and we carry it till the end. I can look different, but I can't be different.